Wednesday, December 3, 2008

My Top 10 Worst Movies Ever

If the following movies could be wiped off the face of the planet, I feel the world would be a much better place. Not coincidentally, most of these movies are from the late 80’s – a horrible time period for the arts in general. In no particular order:

1. Pretty Woman. I have never found this movie to be romantic on any level. You lost me at hooker.
2. Cocoon. Please see Driving Miss Daisy.
3. Driving Miss Daisy. I have nothing against the elderly; I just don’t want to see movies about them. I’m sure I’ll feel differently about this when I’m old. Or maybe not.
4. Cocktail. This fits in nicely with my hatred of “Kokomo.” To be posted at a future time: My Top 10 Worst Songs Ever. “Kokomo” will definitely be on this list.
5. Top Gun. “Take My Breath Away…” will also be on the list.
6. Dirty Dancing. As will “She’s Like the Wind.” Yes, I too am noticing a pattern developing… And if Patrick Swayze's monotone crooning wasn't enough (it is), the line "Nobody puts Baby in the corner" firmly solidifies Dirty Dancing's position on my list.
7. Ghost. The pottery scene makes me wanna hurl. I prefer that ghosts be reserved for the horror genre. I do not enjoy them in the romance genre.
8. Road House. A professional bouncer with a Ph.D in philosophy? Played by Patrick Swayze, no less? I don’t think so.
9. Any movie starring Kid ‘N Play. I don’t get it and I never will.
10. City of Angels. Please see comments on Ghost.

11. Weekend at Bernie’s. Do I really need to elaborate?
12. Mannequin. It’s a romance, it’s a comedy, it’s unwatchable.
13. Three Men and a Baby and Three Men and a Little Lady. Gross.
14. Look Who’s Talking. Grosser. I do not enjoy movies that feature talking babies.

I reserve the right to revise this list at any time - not because I think that there's a chance in hell that I'll ever experience a change of heart about one of these cinematic atrocities, but because I might remember a movie that sucks even more than one of those listed above (even though that’s pretty hard to fathom). I’m sure that there’s some other movie starring Julia Roberts, Tom Cruise, or Patrick Swayze from the late 80’s that I’ve blessedly, yet only temporarily wiped from memory.


Anonymous said...

Okay I realize it's laughable now but at one time in my life I was REALLY into ROADHOUSE - barroom brawls, rock n' roll, hot chicks, catchy one liners - what more could you ask for?

One of my all time favorite movie lines came when Patrick Swayze's nemesis has him in a ohoke hold and says, "I used to fuck guys like you in prison!" LMAO!! Oh yeah, another great line was, "Honey I'll get all the sleep I need when I'm dead." Nothin' like it! Okay last one - when we first see Patrick Swayze in the movie, the bartender says to him, "what's your name, boy?" and he replies with, "coffee, black." Love it!

Existential Waitress said...

I've seen this movie many times, and it IS pretty laughable! You've reminded me that while this movie IS terrible, I may have to remove it from this particular list b/c I still might get some kicks from watching it (there are movies that are so bad they make you angry, and movies that are bad in a fun way). Maybe I'm not quite ready to wipe ROADHOUSE off of the face of the planet after all!

Amie said...

Roadhouse is disgusting!

Anonymous said...

Another great line from ROADHOUSE - during the climax the ultimate bad guy is about to shoot Dalton (Patrick Swayze) and says, "I thought it'd be fun to fight you, Dalton. But right now... I just don't have the time."


Existential Waitress said...

It IS excessively disgusting. This movie contains pretty much everything I find repellent. My brother and I used to make fun of it constantly when we were kids -- something we derived great pleasure from. Ah, the memories...

Anonymous said...

I was just reminded of yet another great line from ROADHOUSE while surfing Facebook:

Patrick Swayze just got cut big time in a fight and he's being looked over by the hot female doctor (who he will later boink while standing up) and she says something to him and he replies with, "pain don't hurt."

Pure greatness.