This Is So Not Good For My Image

These are pictures from last week's "Gingerbread Performance" at Bear's school. Throughout the concert, Bear totally looked like he was thinking, "Could somebody please get this stupid-ass thing off of my head!" I guess it probably is hard to look like a pimp when you're wearing a homemade reindeer sweatshirt and a gingerbread man crown that you colored yourself with a bunch of other Kindergarteners. Nevertheless, he really was adorable and did an awesome job when it came time to deliver his lines.

The glazed-over expression in this photo suggests to me that Bear is trying to go to his "happy place."

Here he looks like he's thinking, "Alright lady, enough with the pictures! This is embarrassing enough - do you really need to create any more evidence of my humiliation?" Or, " I'm warning you, lady - one more picture and I'm gonna go all Sean Penn on you and your camera!"




Bear may not feel that his lines in the "Gingerbread Performance" were as cool as his free-style, kick-ass tae kwon do weapon form, but his father and I are just as proud. And when he's older (much older, I might add), I will exercise the parental privilege to annoy and humiliate by showing future girlfriends proof of his adorableness.

Arr! Merry Christmas!

Overheard: Miss enacting the events of Christmas morning with her "Little People" Santa.

Miss: Yo Ho Ho! Merry Christmas! I'm Santa. Gimme yer presents!

Apparently in our household, Santa has morphed into some sort of pirate who, instead of peacefully sliding down chimneys to deliver gifts to good boys and girls, breaks into your house and demands your presents. A minute ago I heard the kids take out their Little People Train Set - perhaps Santa's about to perform a re-enactment of The Great Train Robbery. Maybe later I'll suggest that Santa and Mrs. Clause use the pink Little People Minivan to go all Bonnie and Clyde and pillage the Little People Main Street Village.

Snow Day?!

Winter Wonderland

This is the most snowfall that Las Vegas has seen since 1979. 

That's My Boy!

Last night, when Miss told Bear that she was going to feed "Ted the Kindergarten Cub" (pretend) milk from a sippy cup, Bear firmly informed Miss, "That's soy, not cow!"

And while he generously allowed his sister an opportunity to play with Ted, he did ask if she could please remove the pink bib as soon as possible.

Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting!

Setting: Tiny Tiger Tae Kwon Do Tournament. ACDC’s “Back in Black” is playing, as some of the older Tiny Tigers bust out kick-ass Ninja-style action in the adjoining rings. Five year old Bear, sitting like a black belt at the edge of the ring with the other children, nervously awaits his turn to perform. At one point, he politely requests permission to use the restroom (hey, nature calls). When his name is called (the second time – the first time he was still in the bathroom), he bravely approaches the center of the ring and busts out some of his own kick-ass Bruce Lee-inspired moves. I cannot help but notice that many of these moves are free-style and not a part of his prepared weapon form, as well as the fact that, to my knowledge, he has never attempted any of these moves before. At one point, he decides a spontaneous somersault would be a nice addition to his improvised routine. Unfortunately, he approaches the somersault in slow-motion, appearing instead as if he’s attempting a headstand while also leaving his weapons several feet behind. Nonetheless, he does manage to bring home two first-place trophies, an accomplishment of which his family is extremely proud.

Note: When asked the night before if he was nervous about his tae kwon do tournament, Bear confided matter-of-factly, “I’m a little apprehensive.” “Apprehensive,” I said, impressed by what I feel is pretty sophisticated vocabulary for a five year-old. “That means nervous mom,” he responded, rolling his eyes as if to say, “God mom, you really don’t know anything.”

Operation: Make Kids Stop Behaving Like Jack-Asses

Does this really need any further explanation?

A Girl After My Own Heart

Today, after dropping my son off at school, I stopped at the beauty salon to pick up some cosmetics. My daughter wanted to know what we were doing, so I told her enthusiastically, "We're going to one of your favorite places, the beauty salon!" This was an attempt to a) be playful (Miss does like hair-cuts and girly-girl stuff, so I thought that saying "beauty salon" might perk her interest), and b) employ "Mom Psychology" in order to head off any future objections to this errand by making it seem "fun." I then asked her for the hell of it, "Is this one of your favorite places?" After pausing a moment to give it some thought, she very seriously asked, "Does it have food?"

My Top 10 Worst Movies Ever

If the following movies could be wiped off the face of the planet, I feel the world would be a much better place. Not coincidentally, most of these movies are from the late 80’s – a horrible time period for the arts in general. In no particular order:

1. Pretty Woman. I have never found this movie to be romantic on any level. You lost me at hooker.
2. Cocoon. Please see Driving Miss Daisy.
3. Driving Miss Daisy. I have nothing against the elderly; I just don’t want to see movies about them. I’m sure I’ll feel differently about this when I’m old. Or maybe not.
4. Cocktail. This fits in nicely with my hatred of “Kokomo.” To be posted at a future time: My Top 10 Worst Songs Ever. “Kokomo” will definitely be on this list.
5. Top Gun. “Take My Breath Away…” will also be on the list.
6. Dirty Dancing. As will “She’s Like the Wind.” Yes, I too am noticing a pattern developing… And if Patrick Swayze's monotone crooning wasn't enough (it is), the line "Nobody puts Baby in the corner" firmly solidifies Dirty Dancing's position on my list.
7. Ghost. The pottery scene makes me wanna hurl. I prefer that ghosts be reserved for the horror genre. I do not enjoy them in the romance genre.
8. Road House. A professional bouncer with a Ph.D in philosophy? Played by Patrick Swayze, no less? I don’t think so.
9. Any movie starring Kid ‘N Play. I don’t get it and I never will.
10. City of Angels. Please see comments on Ghost.

Bonus:
11. Weekend at Bernie’s. Do I really need to elaborate?
12. Mannequin. It’s a romance, it’s a comedy, it’s unwatchable.
13. Three Men and a Baby and Three Men and a Little Lady. Gross.
14. Look Who’s Talking. Grosser. I do not enjoy movies that feature talking babies.

I reserve the right to revise this list at any time - not because I think that there's a chance in hell that I'll ever experience a change of heart about one of these cinematic atrocities, but because I might remember a movie that sucks even more than one of those listed above (even though that’s pretty hard to fathom). I’m sure that there’s some other movie starring Julia Roberts, Tom Cruise, or Patrick Swayze from the late 80’s that I’ve blessedly, yet only temporarily wiped from memory.