Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Yeah, that's right. I'm doing a "Not Me" Monday post and it's Tuesday. Ya wanna make somethin' of it?


Yesterday after reading a "Not Me" Monday post over at Good Girl Gone Redneck, I decided to grab the button and write one of these posts myself. And believe me, after the Monday I had yesterday, I could use a little venting. Unfortunately, due to some unforeseen circumstances which I will go into in a moment, I was unable to finish writing said post before Monday was long gone. Anyway, here it is.

Yesterday morning, it wasn't me who hit the snooze button until the very last possible second before I had to roll out of bed and take my son to school in my pajamas and Uggs. I mean, driving around in your pajamas is embarrassing - who would do something like that?

Because I hit the snooze button so many times, it was definitely not I who provided breakfast courtesy of the Starbuck's drive-thru on the way to school. And I did not order a venti quad shot latte with whole milk for myself because that is way too much espresso, and whole milk is full of saturated fat. I adore abhor saturated fat.

It wasn't me that allowed my son to go to school with a few random stray hairs protruding from around his ears after my husband cut his hair at home. Because we believe in nothing but the best for our munchkins and always get our children expensive, professional haircuts. And I would never tell my son "I guess you'll have to figure it out for yourself then" when he threw a temper tantrum because I merely suggested that I quickly trim the aforementioned hairs.

It wasn't me that decided that Throwback Pepsi is an excellent meal replacement plan. Because Throwback Pepsi isn't wholesome or organic or any of that jazz, so I would never drink it to excess.

It wasn't me who discovered that her son has been peeing in the bathroom trash can on purpose. That is disgusting and no child of mine would do something like that.

It wasn't me that almost picked my computer up and threw it through a window yesterday afternoon because it was moving at a snail's pace. Not me, because I am of excellent temperament, and patience is one of strong points.

It wasn't me that waited until I was in excruciating pain and couldn't hear out of one ear due to the pressure of my impacted wisdom teeth to finally make a dentist appointment. Dentists are my friends and they would never do anything that would hurt me. I'm not afraid one bit to be "put under" so that they can rip my impacted wisdom teeth right out of my jaw. In fact, I'm sure they'll use special dental wizardry to perform this procedure, and rainbows and unicorns will abound.

It wasn't me that caught my kids sneaking chicken nuggets (because I absolutely never allow my kids to eat chicken nuggets) into my room where they deposited them directly onto the carpet (as opposed to a plate or a bowl or something) so that they could continue playing while they ate. (Ironically, they were doing a yoga for kids DVD when I discovered the chicken nuggets on the carpet. Can you spell c-o-n-t-r-a-d-i-c-t-i-o-n? That's like when I eat jarred cheese substance with organic corn chips).

It was not me who attempted to embarrass her husband at dinner last night by doing enthusiastic fist pumps to "Round and Round" by Rat and "I Can't Drive Fifty-Five" by Sammy Hagar at the local pizza joint. I would never do something so crude and insensitive because I'm respectful and wifely and shit.

Finally, it was definitely not me who discovered that my car keys were missing right as I was supposed to be leaving to pick my son up from school yesterday afternoon. It was certainly not I that blamed my husband, insisting that it was he who lost the keys. It was also not me who found the keys hours later in the trash can, only after my husband insisted that I look there - not that I would have minded anyway because digging through trash is good times. And I would never secretly suspect that angry spirits threw my keys in the trash (thank you, Paranormal State), because it was definitely not me that absent-mindedly tossed them in the kitchen trash yesterday morning.*

I blame the car keys fiasco for the lateness of this post. It kinda took a long time to find them (mofos. I still believe that angry spirits were involved and that by watching a Paranormal State marathon over the weekend, I opened a portal to the spirit world. I think Ryan and his team of paranormal investigators would concur). Anyway, I hope your Monday was better than mine.

*The hubs happened to be right next door to my son's school just then and was able to save the day by picking him up for me. Show off.

24 comments:

Tracie said...

It was NOT me that has eaten a whole loaf of chocolate chip bananna bread in 2 days.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

It wasn't me that inhaled a half a bag of Carmel Corn mini rice cakes while thinking all the while, these taste like shit. Oh, and I have NEVER fed my kids Frappacinos and Marble pound cake from starbucks for breakfast either.

Sarah said...

It wasn't me that gave up on trying to feed my little one when she resisted...and just resorted back to the bottle. Argh.

Amie said...

It wasn't me who wore the same sweatsuit two days in a row and went to two different kiddie classes in said sweatsuit. I pride myself on my appearance and setting a good example of self-grooming for my daughter and would never go three (four) days without a shower.

Amie said...

Oh and have I told you the story about my brother's trip to the dentist to get his wisdom teeth pulled? I think you'll enjoy.

Kristin said...

You can order a QUAD shot??? How have I never done this? I will thank you for my jitter tomorrow! ah ha ha

Susan Erickson said...

not me either that has so little control over a fifteen year old dog that I have to lie down with him to get him to sleep or he will whine outside our door all night long. Did I say this has been going on for fifteen years!

BigSis said...

I am taking these words to heart when we return to the dentist next week "I'm sure they'll use special dental wizardry to perform this procedure, and rainbows and unicorns will abound."

Amy said...

Oh no!! Not an open portal to the spirit world!!

That is one hell of a day girl! I truly hope today is a bit more laid back for you.

And as far as the impacted wisdom teeth go...I had all 4 of mine (impacted) taken out at the same time. It was a piece of cake. No dry sockets (**shudders**I don't even know exactly what that is, but it sqiggs me out!!) and I was given percocet which was lovely:)
The whole not eating part was the only thing that was bad. But the pain was very minimal. Don't worry, it's not bad.

JennyMac said...

PJ party in the car! Your son probably thought you were super cool. :)

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip said...

It was not me who drank 3 (count them) dr. peppers this morning with my organic eggs for breakfast. Because Dr. Pepper is liquid satan and I would never ingest it at every meal. It also wasn't me that just discovered that my back door was unlocked only after realizing that the entire band of children I was watching (including several of my friends kids) were all outside playing. Nope. Not me. Thank god we have a fence. Maybe it was the spirits that left my back door unlocked over the past...week? That's safe right? Regardless, definitely wasn't me.

Existential Waitress said...

Thank you everyone for the comments! They totally made my morning! :)

Alyssa said...

That is such a funny post! Thank you for it. I guess I was laughing so hard because I can so relate! (And yeh, I'm commenting on Wed.)

blueviolet said...

You probably will see rainbows and unicorns once they give you a bit of anasthesia, so hey, that's cool!

Erin said...

I love this post so much---and who cares if you didn't do it on the same day as everyone else (p.s. did you know you totally manipulate whatever date/time you want before you hit publish?)....love that you hit the drive-thru on the way to school in your pajamas. totally validates me, and some of the post i wrote today!

ModernMom said...

LOL I am sorry but you had a daaayyyy! Thanks for making me for normal. Except for the peeing in the trashcan thing. I have girls:)

Grateful Twin Mom said...

I love the "not me" Monday on Tuesday. Actually fits better I think, after some perspective. It's not me who stays up late reading and writing blogs, or posting pictures on Facebook, and then having to get up at 5 am to grade my students' papers in an all fire hurry before work. That would be irresponsible.

Andrea (ace1028) said...

Oh, Mama. Thanks for the shout out. Glad you decided to join in. Who cares WHEN you did it, just that you did! It's so cathartic, isn't it? I mean, I was the anti-meme girl for a while, and then I realized how much fun some of them are. Like THIS ONE!

LOVE the PJs part, and the Stbx for breakfast, and all of it. Thanks for sharing. It's nice to know I'm not alone (she says as my daughter sits in front of the TV w. a sippy cup of chocolate soy and SUGAR COOKIE. Only her 2nd, but there are many more to be eaten, Oy!)

Amber Page Writes said...

Those angry spirits get up to all kinds of mischief. This morning, they stole one of my shoes and placed it...get this...in the pantry.

Yes, really.

Bathwater said...

I don't know where to start commenting on this post except to say I'm glad I live like seven states away and I don't even know you. I'm just a little afraid to get swept up in the anger.

SupahMommy said...

THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR WATCHIN SCURRY SHIT.


you brought it all on your self..

lmao...

my husband loves that shit.. .
i cry and hide my eyes and ears.. and he calls me sissy girl.. or some thing.

i can't hear .

xoxo
supah

Theta Mom said...

I think the whole car thing earned you mom of the year award, no?

Dalia (Generation X Mom) said...

Thanks for a great early morning laugh!

Maggie May said...

haha!! Not me who drinks Starbucks Doubleshots daily, provides breakfast for my children from Starbucks once a week, or considered using old rolled toilet paper tubes to wipe myself when out of toilet paper ;)