Monday, December 28, 2009

An Ice Cube concert review by the whitest girl in the cosmos and how I came to realize I watch too much of VH1's reality programming

Backstory: Over the years, I've been known to attend concerts that stretch the parameters of my music tastes, because not only am I open-minded, I'm just cool like that. For instance, the last concert that I saw (other than the Wiggles or My Little Pony: The World's Largest Tea Party) was The Extreme Metal Tour 2001 - I say "saw" because as I've said before, you sure as hell can't hear it. I've also been to Ozzfest. Twice. And seen Metallica more times than I can remember. That sort of music really isn't my style (to say the least), but I used to take my little brother to a lot of shows when we were younger because he loves it, and I'm the best sister in the world.

But anyway, it had been a while since I'd seen a show, and when Carl asked me if I wanted to go with him and a group of our friends to see Ice Cube, I said what the hell, I'll go. Besides, I like Ice Cube. I'm familiar with his work in Boys in the Hood, and more recently the inimitable Are We There Yet? franchise. Yes, methinks this Ice Cube is a likeable fellow.

The Ice Cube concert is at the House of Blues. When we arrive I immediately take note of my fellow concert-goers. I observe that these are definitely not the sort of individuals that might attend say a Cat Power gig. Wait! I think I see Flavor Flav! Carl tells me that the gentleman I'm referring to is certainly not Flavor Flav and quietly suggests that I refrain from yelling "Do you know what time it is?" (and by that I mean that he told me that he would leave me then and there and pretend not to know me for the rest of the night if I did not stop it right now). The security line, while not long, takes ages to get through, which I consider to be a potentially ominous sign. I decide that there should be drinks. Lots of drinks. And have one of Carl's friends fetch me a rum and coke.

Finally we make it through security and into the venue. While we wait at the bar for more alcohol per my request, there is a brief scuffle and some girl throws a punch at our friend's date. Charming behavior, but that's nothing compared to a Metallica concert I attended where paramedics had to be summoned to assist the guy that o.d.'d in the row in front of us. I guess I'd rather have some bitch throw a punch than have a stranger projectile vomit in my direction. That's just my personal preference though. At that moment I also recall a time at Ozzfest when by the end of a long day of music and revelry, the ubiquitous red-necked males had become quite intoxicated and the environment potentially hostile and I locked myself inside the safe confines of my car until my brother was ready to go while blasting 'NSync in retaliation. Oh, the memories. But I digress...

After we finally get our drinks and find a spot down on the main floor, Ice Cube is nearly ready to take the stage. When the main act does begin and Ice Cube swaggers forth, I notice that he is considerably more portly than the image on the set design behind him. I prefer the portly Ice Cube and make a mental note to consider whether or not I have become a "chubby chaser." Food for thought.

Suddenly I recall something that I learned in grad school from a course on hip hop and film (I was actually the Teacher's Assistant in this class, which makes it even more frightening that I have retained almost NO information.) "Ice Cube is from N.W.A., right?!" I exclaim excitedly to Carl who confirms my observation. I'm all proud now. But I am distracted suddenly when I think I see Garth from VH1's cancelled reality show Megan Wants a Millionaire. I tell Carl that I'm certain that the greasy plumber that serenaded Megan with a plagiarized song called "Sex Mode"* is standing RIGHT BEHIND US!!! Carl does not watch VH1's ground-breaking brain cell eroding reality programming so he is oblivious to my washed up loser celebrity sighting. He ignores me, preferring the vocal stylings of Ice Cube.

As the concert progresses, Ice Cube performs some classic hip hop from the 80s and 90s. I like this about Ice Cube. Some of these songs I am familiar with (and by that I mean that I've heard them once or twice). At one point Ice Cube asks, "You Down with O.P.P.?" (you may want to refer to Wikipedia if you are unfamiliar with this acronym. I was, but I had the urban dictionary that is my husband to translate for me). "Why yes, Ice Cube, I am down with O.P.P., thank you for asking." At other points, Ice Cube gets down right gangsta, but he looks snugly to me and I wonder if he likes cuddles.

Later, Ice Cube performs one of hits from the early 90's "Check Yo Self." He tells me "You better check yo self before you wreck yo self." Methinks this is sound advice Ice Cube. Yes indeed. While I do manage to get my groove on, I fear that I probably look like Bree Vandecamp from Desperate Housewives trying to fit in with the Ice Cube crowd, but roll with it anyway, trying to enjoy whatever contact high I can get from all the weed I smell around me.

In all seriousness though, I would have to say that I really had fun at this concert. It was a cool experience and I'm glad that I went. I might even consider attending another one. But only after Carl agrees to watch me rock out at a Rilo Kiley show - or better yet, maybe I could force him to go with me to see Morrissey (although I'm pretty certain that he'd throw down over that one). Really the options are limitless...

*Note: Carl does NOT consider it erotic when I serenade him with "Sex Mode" , just in case you were wondering. "Grab my stick and switch right into SEX MODE..."


Naomi de la Torre said...

ROFL!!!!! I laughed so hard I peed on myself during this one. Ice Cube cuddly??!!! You kill me. I'm so happy you got my bloggy award today. I really really really love your blog and I totally stalk you every day.

Aunt Becky said...

I would have PEED myself to go to that concert. Also, I would have been whiter because I would have been. Just, uh, TRUST ME. DON'T MAKE ME CUT YOU.

(did I sound scary?)

Theta Mom said...

You are HILARIOUS! Just found you from Organic Motherhood With Coolwhip, love to find and read new blogs! Hope you had a wonderful holiday!

Existential Waitress said...

LOL - that was VERY scary!

Naomi, I love your blog too and I'm glad we're bloggy friends now!

Carl thinks I should be clear that I really DIDN'T yell "Do you know what time it is?" at that guy, and that I'm not as oblivious (to um, everything I guess) as I would lead you to believe. I told him that my bloggy friends understand though and that it's all for the sake of humor and good times.

Amie said...

LOL. You are so down with it. Want to know something funny? The last concert I went to was Crowded House at the Greek before bug was born. I am such a nerd. Big D actually loves Morrissey too so I kind of luck out there. We saw him at the Hollywood Bowl and it was the best concert EVER! Except for the part where Big D puked red wine all over the car after the concert. Charming. And somehow very Morrisseyesque, in my opinion.

Existential Waitress said...

Theta Mom, thanks for stopping by! Hope you had a wonderful holiday too! :)

A, I'm so jealous that you got to see Crowded House at the Greek. That is funny (and I agree very Morrisseyesque) that D puked red wine all over the car after a Morrissey concert. Good times.

The last time I saw Morrissey was back in LA and he seemed pretty wasted on stage - he kept forgetting the words to his own songs. For some reason I always seem to have weird concert experiences. The Ice Cube show really was pretty good though.

Maven said...

I LOVE it when I find a FABULOUS new blog!!

On a quest to comment on blogs today (because I wrote something earlier about how I never comment on blogs and now feel guilty about it) I set forth and found a comment you left on the blog of a friend with a Mr. Linkie. Your blog title caught my eye.

I have had the auspicious opportunity to ride an elevator with ice cube while staying at the Marriott in Seattle. I was incredibly uncool about it as I too enjoyed him in Boys n the Hood.

He, on the other hand, was less than impressed with me.

Go figure.

Anyways, I loved this!

And I have a friend who lives in Vegas who got his picture taken with Flava Flav at a bowling alley recently.

Not sure if he asked for the time or not...

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...

Well good grief. How have I not stumbled upon your little gem of a blog yet? I need more and am your newest follower.

Bathwater said...

Ok at first I thought you were a cool big sister for going to the Heavy metal shows but picturing you ate the Ice Cube show just ruined it for me.

Not even mentioning Morrissey at the end really saved you but I will return and see if you can manage to redeem yourself ;).

Martinis or Diaper Genies? said...

my favorite part of ice cube is his wife. for sure.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Bree Vandekamp puts a pretty fine point on how much of a sore thumb you were. Good for you for going and being open minded. I thought Ice Cube gave up the wrapping completely, in favor of Starwagons, Personal Assistants and runny brie.

Have a happy new year!

Existential Waitress said...

Maven, thanks for stopping by! Having had quite a few awkward elevator momets myself, I appreciate your Ice Cube elevator story. too funny!

Bathwater, I will try hard to redeem myself in the future.;)

MODG, I don't even know anything about Ice Cube's wife - i'm that out of the loop.

And DG, I didn't know that Ice Cube rapped anymore either. I thought that he pretty much just stuck with acting/producing those god-awful Are We There Yet Movies.